Growing up is never easy. We spend most of our childhoods wishing to be older, to be able to do more, and then we reach the age where we want to go back. I can say, there's a part of me wishing to turn around and be little like Bonnie again, completely enraptured and enthralled with my own imagination. I have a hundred thousand reasons to turn back the clock, but I think I've figured out how to grow up. For real, this time.
The difference between childhood and adulthood is a long, hazy period labeled as "adolescence" and as any teenager can tell you, it straight up sucks. It is by far the most emotionally and socially challenging time in someone's life because not only is one stuck going through puberty, but the adolescent brain is literally shaping into an adult brain. I read this book once (I don't remember what it was called; I'll find it and link to it), and it held an entire section about adolescence I found incredibly profound. At the time, I was maybe 16 reading it, and it changed things a bit for me. Not deeply, mind, but enough that I still remember it. For once, when I read something about adolescence written by a scholarly adult, I felt like they actually understood what it was like.
Now, looking three years back, there's much I understand I wish I could tell my younger self. More than I can honestly admit in a blog. But, not to go all cheesy on you, I wish there was one piece of wisdom someone had handed to me.
Growing up will be the hardest thing you ever do.
In this transition, which I have been assured at least a million times will be absolutely wonderful, many disturbing futuristic phenomena including, but not limited to: taxes, student loans, mortgages, keeping other beings alive, and maintaining a career bubble on the horizon. I have doubted my career choice at least a hundred times in the last four days and I can hardly wrap my mind around selecting and packing my books, let alone all of my stuff, and moving it to a location 10 hours away in a different state, in a different time zone, in a different climate.
Knowing all of that, I think I might be ready. Half an hour ago, I wasn't at all. I watched Andy displaying his toys for Bonnie, announcing each of them with love and care, and I cried. I blubbered and I pleaded with the cosmos, demanding more time. And when my eyes dried and I blew my nose, I took a deep breath, steadied myself, and knew.
For me, Toy Story 3 was my push. It is not the transition itself, but that final desperate cling to my childhood gave me the strength I need to go forward. I won't lie, I'm terrified. I have never been so far from home without my family, and I have never gone somewhere so alone. My heart skips a beat when I imagine my first day of classes. However, within that fear exists a hope and an excitement effervesces, creating the primordial soup for something grand.
I am still afraid. I am still anxious. I am still completely uncertain. These feelings haven't Disapparated or been Vanished into the woodwork. I am now, though, on stable ground. I will hold my own. Unfortunately, I might have grown up.
I will never stop being a nerd, though, no worries. I will wear my Gryffindor uniform on Halloween, carry my towel on Towel Day, dress up like Superman to see the movie next summer, and geek out every time a new Game of Thrones episode is uploaded to Project Free TV. Nerdiness has invaded my entire being and I wouldn't trade nerddom for anything in the world.
I've labored over my worry about the reconciliation of being a nerd and growing up. I didn't believe the two could coexist, and it scared me because I've always been a nerd, but I've always been a little too grown up for my age. That's what growing up is for me: accepting they do complement each other and these concepts can easily coexist within me.
College is down the road now. It becomes clearer every day and next Sunday, it will be a reality. This last week, I've got a lot of work to do. And now I know I can do it.
Keep stirring, loves, and just keep swimming.
Tell it like it is!
ReplyDeleteThis is great, Madison! Hoping college goes smoothly as you get settled in!
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